Radio, Rhythm & Rhyme

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Poetry Friday: “Vampire’s Kitchen”

Click image for Jennifer’s website!

It’s a few days past Halloween, and here I am, finally getting around to posting this!  Things have been crazy lately…but better late then never!

And so I present this treat, something I was inspired to write after seeing this blog post from illustrator Jennifer L. Meyer earlier this year.  I got to thinking about what, precisely, one would find in a vampire’s kitchen – and this was the answer that presented itself.  The poem doesn’t really ‘connect’ to the illustration – but it did provide my starting point, so I hope you like it!  And be sure to check out all the Poetry Friday treats at Mainely Write!

Vampire’s Kitchen

You won’t find any crackers,
You won’t find any cheese,
You won’t find canned asparagus
Or bags of frozen peas.
You won’t see any burgers
Or slices of baloney,
There isn’t any cereal
Or elbow macaroni.
You won’t find any butter
Or sugar cookie batter,
You’ll find no loaves of raisin bread
(Nor raisins, for that matter).
There are no cakes or cookies,
No kale or collard greens,
No ham or Spam or leg of lamb
Or cans of pork and beans.
There isn’t any jelly,
There are no fancy jams,
No ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise,
Or scallops, shrimp, or clams.
There isn’t any meatloaf
Or liverwurst pate,
No homemade tuna casserole
Or spicy beef satay.
Go search throughout the pantry,
The fridge, and every shelf –
You’ll find no food or beverages
You’d want to serve yourself.
A vampire’s tastes are simple
And really not complex:
The only thing you’ll find is blood,
And lots and lots of necks.

- ©2012, Matt Forrest Esenwine

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41 thoughts on “Poetry Friday: “Vampire’s Kitchen”

  1. You kept going on and on, and I kept getting curiouser and curiouser! That is hilarious Matt! What a great ending.

  2. Creepy! And fun! I dont think I want to be anywhere near that kitchen let along go looking for stuff :)

    You got a pretty good list of kitchen rhymes going in there Matt. My kitchen seems positively rhymeless in comparison…

    PS I think your link is broken on the poetry friday page – I got a ‘page not found’ accessing it from there.

  3. Very clever with the rhymes. I love how it changed suddenly to Halloween. I’d be checking the soup for foreign objects in your house with that poem.

  4. izatrapani1 on said:

    Fun rhyme! “No ham or Spam or leg of lamb” made me giggle!

  5. The kids and I really enjoyed reading your poem over breakfast this morning… we loved the “no raising for that matter” lines.

  6. Tabatha on said:

    Great ending! Two thumbs up, Matt.

  7. This one is a lot of fun! Thanks for sharing it!

  8. It would be a great challenge to students to see what they might create, even in a drawing, but this is such fun. Like others, I wondered too where you might end, just terrific! Glad you shared, even late!

  9. Bla bla, I vant to bite zis poem! Absolutely love it, Matt. Just read it out loud and thoroughly enjoyed the bounce of it – so much fun, I didn’t want it to end. Iza beat me to it, but my favorite among the many fab rhymes is “No ham or Spam or leg of lamb / Or cans of pork and beans. Well done!

  10. Suspenseful, visual and very funny, Matt!

  11. Ooh, I *love* this! The jaunty meter and the gory ending–wonderful!

  12. *rubbing my neck*

    Bite me! This was fun. Quite a catalog of food items –the only thing I wouldn’t eat is liverwurst pate. What would you find in a Zombie’s Kitchen? :D

  13. Kid-perfect, Matt! The list goes on and on and then comes the two line kicker!

  14. So much fun, Matt! The last four lines are very cool!

  15. Killer poem.

    Really, this is excellent. A creative and fun take on vampires — I love imagining “lots and lots of necks” laying around amidst pools of blood. Just the necks, though, as if it was a little high-class vampire steakhouse.

    • Ha, a vampire steakhouse! Thanks for popping by, Ed. Well, the idea of a bunch of necks lying around was what I had in mind – in the cupboards, in the fridge, perhaps a few daintily situated in a silver bowl placed on a doily in the center of the dining table – because why would a vampire need any other body parts? I mean, there’s really no need for arms and legs now, is there??

  16. Absolutely brilliant, Matt. Oh what fun. Rhyming satay with pate was exceptionally good. kids will love this. i should think this would make a fun performance poem. i love coming to read your poems.

  17. My 10 year old Grandson LOVED this poem.
    Then, I sent to my 17 year old Granddaughter. Well, she wants to be you when she grows up. She’s’ favoured’ your site.
    Ultimate compliment.

    • Wow, that IS a compliment! I’m flattered. Please tell her thank you…but of course, the important thing is that she’s HERSELF when she grows up.

      • That is true Matt. She’s all Girl!! She loves writing poetry. I’ll pass on your blog.
        Thank you for your poetry and insight.

  18. Oh, Matt, that was fun. But really…lots and lots of necks? Eeesh! Kids’ll LOVE this!

  19. I bet you had lots of fun brainstorming food rhymes! This is tons of fun!!

  20. I was expecting the blood but not the necks. Yuck!

  21. Masterfully macabre! At least a vampire doesn’t have to stand in line at the grocery store.

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