Poetry Friday: “Vampire’s Kitchen”

Click image for Jennifer’s website!

It’s a few days past Halloween, and here I am, finally getting around to posting this!  Things have been crazy lately…but better late then never!

And so I present this treat, something I was inspired to write after seeing this blog post from illustrator Jennifer L. Meyer earlier this year.  I got to thinking about what, precisely, one would find in a vampire’s kitchen – and this was the answer that presented itself.  The poem doesn’t really ‘connect’ to the illustration – but it did provide my starting point, so I hope you like it!  And be sure to check out all the Poetry Friday treats at Mainely Write!

Vampire’s Kitchen

You won’t find any crackers,
You won’t find any cheese,
You won’t find canned asparagus
Or bags of frozen peas.
You won’t see any burgers
Or slices of baloney,
There isn’t any cereal
Or elbow macaroni.
You won’t find any butter
Or sugar cookie batter,
You’ll find no loaves of raisin bread
(Nor raisins, for that matter).
There are no cakes or cookies,
No kale or collard greens,
No ham or Spam or leg of lamb
Or cans of pork and beans.
There isn’t any jelly,
There are no fancy jams,
No ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise,
Or scallops, shrimp, or clams.
There isn’t any meatloaf
Or liverwurst pate,
No homemade tuna casserole
Or spicy beef satay.
Go search throughout the pantry,
The fridge, and every shelf –
You’ll find no food or beverages
You’d want to serve yourself.
A vampire’s tastes are simple
And really not complex:
The only thing you’ll find is blood,
And lots and lots of necks.

– ©2012, Matt Forrest Esenwine

41 thoughts on “Poetry Friday: “Vampire’s Kitchen”

  1. Creepy! And fun! I dont think I want to be anywhere near that kitchen let along go looking for stuff :)

    You got a pretty good list of kitchen rhymes going in there Matt. My kitchen seems positively rhymeless in comparison…

    PS I think your link is broken on the poetry friday page – I got a ‘page not found’ accessing it from there.


  2. Catherine Johnson

    Very clever with the rhymes. I love how it changed suddenly to Halloween. I’d be checking the soup for foreign objects in your house with that poem.


  3. Bla bla, I vant to bite zis poem! Absolutely love it, Matt. Just read it out loud and thoroughly enjoyed the bounce of it – so much fun, I didn’t want it to end. Iza beat me to it, but my favorite among the many fab rhymes is “No ham or Spam or leg of lamb / Or cans of pork and beans. Well done!


  4. *rubbing my neck*

    Bite me! This was fun. Quite a catalog of food items –the only thing I wouldn’t eat is liverwurst pate. What would you find in a Zombie’s Kitchen? :D


  5. Killer poem.

    Really, this is excellent. A creative and fun take on vampires — I love imagining “lots and lots of necks” laying around amidst pools of blood. Just the necks, though, as if it was a little high-class vampire steakhouse.


    1. Ha, a vampire steakhouse! Thanks for popping by, Ed. Well, the idea of a bunch of necks lying around was what I had in mind – in the cupboards, in the fridge, perhaps a few daintily situated in a silver bowl placed on a doily in the center of the dining table – because why would a vampire need any other body parts? I mean, there’s really no need for arms and legs now, is there??


  6. Absolutely brilliant, Matt. Oh what fun. Rhyming satay with pate was exceptionally good. kids will love this. i should think this would make a fun performance poem. i love coming to read your poems.


  7. Terry

    My 10 year old Grandson LOVED this poem.
    Then, I sent to my 17 year old Granddaughter. Well, she wants to be you when she grows up. She’s’ favoured’ your site.
    Ultimate compliment.


      1. Terry

        That is true Matt. She’s all Girl!! She loves writing poetry. I’ll pass on your blog.
        Thank you for your poetry and insight.


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