Poetry Friday: The diagnosis is in and I have no idea what to do with it

^{Well, at least I now know why I’ve never had a problem acting like a goofball in front of crowds.}

Ever have a pain in your side that won’t go away, and the doctors dismiss it?

Ever hear a strange pinging sound coming from under the car, but your mechanic says it’s nothing?

Well, I’ve spent years wondering why I never really felt “normal” – and now, after a day-long series of tests and 100+ questions (and waiting 10 months to do it), I have an answer.

I’m autistic.

It’s weird saying that, because I don’t really feel like it’s the disability folks seem to think it is. Granted, I’m Level 1, which is considered high-functioning, so there are plenty of others who have a much harder time with life than I.

^{“My ice cream cone is lost! Nooooooooo!”}

But if there was ever a good reason to refer to someone as “differently-abled” rather than “disabled,” people like me are definitely it.

There have been signs all my life: my all-or-nothing attitude when learning something new about which I’m passionate; my propensity to notice minute details while missing larger concepts; my black-and-white, stronger-than-normal sense of justice.

That, and the constant, annoying feeling that I’m really not as mature as I should be. Sure, some people will call themselves “a big kid” – but I literally feel and act like I’m a 12 year-old in a 56-year-old’s body.

And now we know why.

^{“Hang on, this is a very important call!”}

There’s not really a whole lot I can do about this, of course, but I was eager to be tested so that I could at least know if I was on the spectrum or just off my rocker. A whole lot of things make sense now.

One of the important aspects of the testing is that they test you not just for “autism,” per se, but to rule out a whole smorgasboard of other mental issues – so half the tests were designed to diagnose (or eliminate) things like ADD, ADHD, OCD, et al. They also test your intelligence level and provide you with your IQ Score!

This is where it got interesting.

For cognitive ability, I scored in the 98^th percentile – meaning when it comes to intelligence, I’m in the top 2% of the general population. Aside from the fact that this is a sad reflection on the state of the intelligence of the general population, I also learned my Score IQ is 130, which one could say is either at the very, very upper-end of average intelligence or at the very, very low end of above-average intelligence. (130 and above is considered above average)

It probably would’ve been higher, had I not blown a couple of easy questions due to being confused about why I was being asked all these questions!

^{Don’t think I’m going to hold my breath waiting for these folks to call.}

However…my memory score ended up in the toilet, between 25%-50%. Ordinarily, that wouldn’t be a huge deal – it’s the lower half for an average memory – but the psychiatrist who oversaw the testing was shocked that someone with my intelligence level would score so low on memory. As she explained, it was a normal memory score for normal intelligence; for someone with my level of intelligence to have the same low, average memory score was unusual.

But you know, Unusual has always been my middle name. Well, other than Forrest.

So anyway, there it is and here I am. I honestly debated about sharing this news with you because – let’s face it – do you really care? It doesn’t make a difference in how I behave or write, and there’s certainly nothing I can do to “change” my autism. I just thought that perhaps, if there IS a stigma attached to it, me blabbing about it might do some good.

For now, though, I’ll just keep plugging along, doing what I’ve been doing – living life and forgetting most of it.

Before we get to today’s poem, two things: 

First, I’ll once again be sharing my books with classrooms across the country on World Read Aloud Day – Wed., Feb. 7, 2024 – and I still have some timeslots available! If you’d be interested in having me join your students, or know a teacher who might, please let me know by emailing me at matt(at)mattforrest.(dot)com. (Check out that huge graphic below to get an idea of what oen of my virtual visits is like!)

Also, my friend and fellow children’s author/poet David L. Harrison has gathered a bunch of his poetry-writing pals to develop a weekly series of articles in his local newspaper, the Springfield (MO) News Leader – and it’s already growing to several other newspapers! From children’s poets like Charles Ghigna and Marilyn Singer to the Pulitzer Prize-winning Ted Kooser, a wide variety of writers and subects help expand the public’s appreciation for reading and writing poetry.

And I have to thank David for inviting me, as well! You can read my article HERE.

Whew! Now, finally, today’s poem!

I’ll explain how and where I created this in just a sec, but I wanted to share the poem first:
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Constellation dreams

rise
to take
stars
to
empty
Heavens

– © 2024, Matt Forrest Esenwine, all rights reserved

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While I pondered what I should share for today’s poem, I thought it might be fun to craft another found poem – one that is created using choice words and phrases from already-established text, like a magazine or book. I had already shared a found poem last month using Christmas carols, so this time around I thought it would be fun – and certainly appropriate – to use a picture book with a neurodivergent main character!

I chose my friend Kaz Windness’ Bitsy Bat, School Star (Simon & Schuster, 2023) not only because of the “star” of her book, but because Kaz is also a member of this neurodiverse community in which I’ve found myself – and I really wanted to write something in a tone completely unlike that of Bitsy Bat. Mission accomplished, I think.

For today’s complete Poetry Friday roundup, head over to Marcie Flinchum Atkins’ blog where she’s celebrating her “word of the year” – and looking forward to growing, discovering, and writing!

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~~ SCHOOL VISITS still available! ~~

I’m booking author visits for the 2024 spring semester and still have a few dates available. If you think your school might be interested in having me visit, check out all the presentations I offer, then email me at Matt (at) MattForrest (dot) com!

I love chatting with elementary and middle school classes about writing: why poetry is fun to read and write, the importance of revision, and how imagination and creativity can lead to fantastic careers! My presentations are tailored to fit the needs of the classes and students’ ages. One day I might be sharing details of how a picture book like Flashlight Night (Astra Young Readers, 2017) was created; the next, I’ll be discussing dinosaur breath or crafting origami sea turtles!

Student presentations include:

• The Making of a Picture Book
• How a Child Saved a Book
• “Once Upon Another Time”
• The Most Imporant Thing about Writing Poetry
• “I Am Today”
• “A Beginner’s Guide to Being Human”
• “Everybody Counts: Counting to 10 in Twelve Languages”

Adult presentations include:

• The Making of a Picture Book
• The Most Important Thing about Writing Poetry
• Free Yourself with Free Verse
• Tight Language, Loose Narratives: Crafting a Non-Traditional Picture Book

Learn more at MattForrest.com!

If you or someone you know might be interested in having me visit your school, library, or other organization, please email me
at matt(at)mattforrest(dot)com!

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NOW AVAILABLE EVERYWHERE:
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Order a PERSONALLY-SIGNED copy of this or or ANY of my books
from my local independent bookstore!

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I’m now on BOOKSHOP!

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I’m also very happy to be part of the BOOKROO family!

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Ordering personalized signed copies online? Oh, yes, you can!

You can purchase personally-signed copies of Flashlight Night, (Astra Young Readers, 2017), Don’t Ask a Dinosaur (Pow! Kids Books, 2018), and nearly EVERY book or anthology I’ve been part of!

Click here to view all my books and to order!

Just click the cover of whichever book you want and send a comment to the good folks at MainStreet BookEnds in Warner, NH requesting my signature and to whom I should make it out. (alternatively, you can log onto my website and do the same thing) They’ll contact me, I’ll stop by and sign it, and then they’ll ship it! (Plus, you’ll be supporting your local bookseller – and won’t that make you feel good?)

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Thank you to everyone for your support!

FLASHLIGHT NIGHT:

• NY Public Library’s “100 Best Book for Kids 2017” AND “Staff Pick!”
• KIRKUS Starred review!
• Kansas NEA Reading Circle Recommended Books!
• “Best Reads of 2017,” Unleashing Readers
• Finalist, 2019 New Hampshire Literary Awards
• Positive reviews from Horn Book, School Library Connection, School Library Connection, Booklist, Publisher’s Weekly, and Shelf-Awareness!

DON’T ASK A DINOSAUR:

• “Rollicking rhyme!” – Booklist
  • “A wild romp!” – Parenting NH Magazine
  • “Cute…intriguing…4 out of 5 stars”     – Tulsa Book Review
  • “Rhythmic…funny and informative”     – Unleashing Readers

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